If I Exist...

[Grell]

If I exist, do you know me?
Do you know who I am?
I've spent so much time with you,
But now it seems so pointless.

Did you ever want to know?
Or did you think you really knew me?
I don't even think I know myself.
I've become this horrible person.

And you keep begging me not to go,
But a part of me is already gone.
Like a roulette, my emotions spin,
And I can't grasp which one is really me.

You say you want to help.
You'll do whatever it takes,
Only if it means I'll get better.
But there's nothing left to be done.

And I'll never feel better.
Maybe I don't want to feel better.
I don't want you to forgive me
After all I've done to you and them.

I don't want you to keep pulling me back in.
I'd rip my heart out and give it to you,
But unfortunately, I need that to live,
So I'll keep the pain it gives me and walk away.

But that was never okay, was it?
You'd never just let me waltz out
The same way that I waltzed in.
Because that would mean I was lonely.

And you know I'm lonely
When I whine about no one being around.
And when I always beg for people to be around me
When I would normally be so alone.

And you care that I'm lonely.
You don't want me to be.
And that's what friends are, right?
Caring, loving people who don't want you to be lonely?

But I think I failed at that,
Because I would leave you so alone
If it meant I never had to see you hurt again.
But I only do it because I don't want to be the cause of your pain.

Its selfish, I know.
I don't want to be the cause,
Yet I already am.
I think this is the easy way out.

But no one ever let me take the easy way out before.
And you don't seem ready to now.
But I don't want to apologize again and again,
A broken record to my broken heart.

So I guess if you want to keep trying,
If you want to keep enduring this,
You can keep trying to drag me back.
This isn't a resignition of the fight on my part, only a proposal that you can keep going.

And maybe someday I can turn to you and say I'm grateful.
Who knows, it might be that that day is tomorrow.
But for now, I want to keep running away.
I'll kick and scream and fight until I bleed if it means I'll never see you hurt again.

But that's just me, isn't it?
If I exist.
And maybe someday I'll know who I am.
And you can figure me out too.

[wobblebreak]

Do u even exist?

Cool poem BTW, I kinda like it

[Biki]

I dig it a lot myself. I knew there was a reason I wanted to read this! =D! One besides the cool name lol.

[Grell]

Lol, thanks.

[silvernekokitsune]

nice! kinda depressing though :/ but still really cool

[Hardcore]

Pretty rad, Dreaming.

[Grell]

Thanks, Iris. =)

[Hardcore]

Write more o.o

[Grell]

I'm actually in the process of editing up some manuscripts to send in to get published. None of them have to do with poetry though, this is something I do more when I need to vent. ^ ^;;