Absolute Anime

Does Atheos even come on here anymore? o.o

i don't really care if he does or doesn't right now


not like he's every going to read it anyways.



wish he would, it'd be nice.
i mean, if he just only read that, i'd be happy.

____________________________________________

So, today...I'll have him text you, since you're not at school, for the meet tonight. Like the time it starts, even though I'm sure it's right after school pretty much. I think.

Its... been made official...

The car I couldn't replace last summer, and forced my mom to have fix is...

She thinks its the engine...

We don't have enough money to replace it...

It'll die sometime in the year anyways...

Tomorrow after school...

Only Kage can come with to help me pick out a new one...

I knew today was a bad day to be alive...

I'm going to cry for my car now...

:0

What's wrong? What happened?

AngelicDream wrote::0

What was here? What did you edit? What happened?


And so it is written, you can't take me to anymore track meets, Kelly....except maybe ones that aren't during the school year. :/

But I can and will go to those that are local, on my bike! >:]
My dad can't call me then....


Oh! I have a great excuse! Since I'm failing yearbook I can tell him that I have to go to track meets for a story in the yearbook. >:] yes. *evil scientist laugh* that'll do. He's oblivious most times anyways.

Is it okay to say that I give up? Not in the way that I'm giving up, just in the way that I don't want to do anything. I want to want, but I can't. I'm sure I'm being more selfish this way, but I can't do much. Or I could. But I don't want to. And I'm not doing this to hurt anyone, I can see that I am though. In the way you all stood up too fast to get away from me. I know its just my attitude, but I don't even care about that right now. I want to want to be able to control myself and my emotions, but I don't want to control myself. I want to want to for you guys, but I can't bring myself to. I'm really tired. I'm trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do, but I can't make any more promises and disappoint you guys anymore. But I don't just disappoint you guys, I disappoint myself. Maybe I disappoint myself more than I do you guys, or I do more than you guys let me know, and then I just can't believe in myself because I feel so disappointed in myself. This is all really hard to say, because I'm prone to saying the wrong things, and then I hurt you guys and I disappoint you even more.

But this is how I feel: I feel like we were all sitting in one place, trying to plan something that couldn't quite be planned, and then all of a sudden, the day came when you stood up to move forward, and I got left behind. Maybe you guys aren't moving forward in the direction you want to go, or maybe you are, either way I'll be happy for you if you're happy and that's your decision, but I don't have anywhere to go. And I keep losing things, and I don't understand why I get so upset, because that's the principle my life used to be based on: losing things. And I didn't used to get so upset, because I was used to it, but now I'm not, and I'm trying to take every failure in stride, but I'm having a hard time of it, because I'm so lonely and I feel selfish and I'm sick of myself because I can't deal with the fact that people won't be over at my house every weekend. And that I don't have anything to do while you're all away. And I'm so tired that I've become reliant on you guys, but I don't know how else to fix myself without pulling away from you guys. If I become uncaring about anything, then I don't know who I'd be. I don't know what I am now, or what I was, and I want to become something for you guys, but I can't. I'm just normal here, and you guys are too, but I'm supposed to be able to do something, and I can't. And I don't want to hurt from that anymore, but the only thing I can think of is not caring. So if I have to care, but I can't be around you all the time, I cry so much. I feel so lonely and I feel so horrid because I'm so selfish and I disappoint everyone with my behaviour. I can't deal with all the things I feel or the things that happen. Its not just about my car, but everything.

So I'm just going to disappear. Not really. Not literally. Not physically. I'm just going to retreat in upon myself. It'll be like an automatic mode, whatever I do, it won't really be me. I'll just be thinking. Of whatever crosses my mind. Probably whatever I think of normally. I probably won't talk, so if you have something to say, just get my attention. And even then, I don't know if I'll really be there. Whoever comes in can have control, whether its Syne or whoever. I don't know. I just can't deal with anything anymore. And yeah, I'm being a selfish coward by running away, but you tell me what you would do in my position. If you were me. If you acted like me, talked like me, walked like me, thought like me, lacked control like me... could you honestly say you would do something else?

I don't want to apologize anymore, and have you guys disappointed in me because I don't change. So I won't say I'm sorry at every turn. Even if I want to. Even if I do, I'm sure you'd just scoff and think that I don't mean it, because its the same way every time.

Why's it matter how long she takes? She's got all the time in the world.

So Does this mean i can't come over now.

i think its going to be kind of weird to spar with someone i don't know or with a person that is in auto piolet. you don't get that same natrual instinct, ya know