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DVD Review: Max Payne


His family was murdered, and now he wants revenge! No, it's not The Punisher, it's Max Payne, yet another movie based on a video game franchise... so right off the bat things aren't looking too good for this film. Movie adaptations of video game have a long track record of being pretty bad. Of course, there are a few exceptions... but unfortunately, Max Payne is not on that short list. On the contrary, Max Payne feels like it's on the short bus, because this film is just retarded.

Okay, so we have this guy named Max Payne... and what a name it is! Guess his parents new he was destined to kick ass. Anyways, he's a cop, and he's all brooding and grouchy because his wife and baby were killed a few years back. I can't imagine how hard it would be to lose your wife and child, but if television and movies has taught me anything it's that you have to move on and live life for the memories of your loved ones, as they would want you to be happy, not miserable. But apparently this guy doesn't watch to much television....

As Max continues to work the case on his own time, he gets some info from a snitch which leads him to three mean-looking druggies in a deserted train station. Most people in that situation would just take off, but Max Payne is no ordinary guy, he is invincible... at least, that's how he acts. Could be he just wants to die. Anyway, he purposefully puts himself in a situation to get mugged by these three guys, and when they take the bait, he beats them up. Guy's got anger issues. But it's all for naught, as they don't know anything about his case. Thanks, movie, for a big waste of time.

Now he's in a club, where he meets a sexy woman named Natasha... in a long, roundabout sort of way. This movie doesn't like just getting to the point. Natasha has a tattoo which I guess is supposed to mean something... or something. But it means nothing to us. Eventually, the two wind up at his place. She gets naked, and he kicks her out. Why? Because she makes some remark about his wife that was kind of insensitive. Bad move there slick, because the next morning Natasha is found D-E-A-D dead... and with Max's wallet on her. Oopsie!

Now Max is the prime suspect in her murder... but he doesn't seem to care in the least. Could be because his ex-partner, Alex, is on the case, though Max acts like he doesn't care about that either. Well, whatever he cares about doesn't really matter, because Alex soon ends up on the deceased list as well. Too bad for Max, because Alex just indicated that he had something on Max's case. So after arriving at Alex's place and finding him no longer among the living, Max is then conked out by some unseen assailant.

He awakes in the hospital, but there's really not much to talk about there. He then goes to Alex's wake, but Alex's wife gets all hateful on him and kicks him to the curb. Next he goes and gets questioned by Internal Affairs. Boy, action galore, huh? Don't worry, it's about to pick up soon, as Max decides the time for questioning is over and forces his way into Alex's office to look for clues. Of course, taking this action puts him on the most wanted list, but it's okay because he found a name... Owen Green.

And he's off to interrogate... I mean, "speak to" Mr. Green. But before he can do that, he is almost killed by Natasha's sister, Mona. Thankfully, Max is invincible or something, because the dude just won't die not matter how many extremely dangerous situations he puts himself into. Also thankfully, Max is able to sweet talk Mona and convince her that he did not kill Natasha. So now they're partners. And they go find Mr. Green. And he provides a tiny bit of info.

Man, I am so tired of the movie by this point, and we haven't even gotten to the part about the drugs and corruption and all that. Remember in the previews for this movie when some sweet-looking black angel of death pulls a guy out a window? Well, that's not real. Just a hallucination, folks. Max Payne isn't battling monsters or demons, just people. And through the whole movie they build up this one badass bad guy who barely talks but always looks menacing, and when we get to the showdown between him and Max... well, it sucks! It's over almost before it begins, and Max isn't even the one to end it!

But that's not the end of the movie, so there's still some other bad guy out there, but one with no buildup. Doesn't matter, though, because now the audience just feels cheated. They could start to build someone else up, or not, either way it wouldn't make a difference. The action looked cool, as did the hallucination effects, but the plot wasn't very interesting, or logical, and there was no way to connect with any of the one dimensional characters. Unless you're stoned, pass on this one.

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