5 Signs You Might Be Addicted To Anime Posted Dec 25, 2018
Anime is one of those genres which sucks the unwary mind in.
The colors, the larger-than-life characters, the grand tales of betrayal, revenge and overwhelming pinkness—all these elements converge into a pop culture kraken, greedily sucking hearts and minds into its loving, yet slightly mucoid, caress.
So how can you tell if you too have fallen prey to the deadly tide pool of anime’s animated allure?
Here’s five surefire tells.
1. You Start a Home Business on the Side Just to Finance Your Anime Tattoo Habit
Anime tattoos are an entire sub genre of ink these days. From big bearded bears to tanned, traipsing twinks, it seems like demand for anime ink is as diverse as it is bottomless.
While a bit of ink here and there is perfectly reasonable and nothing to be alarmed about, if you find yourself planning to start a home business on the side just to fund that next Sailor Moon motif for your left buttock, you might have crossed a line.
2. You Realize You Want an Anime Girlfriend
Maybe it’s worth starting with the extreme case here. If you’re an adult and you’ve gone to the effort of purchasing a “cuddle” pillow of your favorite anime girlfriend (and you actively prefer it to the real thing), there’s a very real chance you might be staring into the black, tear-shimmered eyes of the anime kraken.
There’s something about the anime depiction of physical beauty which is as enticing as it is impossible.
Let’s be clear here. There’s nothing weird about the odd … ahem … fantasy involving you, the classic anime bombshell, and an industrial-sized bucket of passion fruit jello. However, if you gradually find your yardstick for physical beauty is predicated on those giant shimmery eyes, that tiny mouth and those biologically impossible long legs, it:
a) might be hard to locate a bona fide human companion who is willing to be nude in the same room as you; and
b) might be time to think about calling AAA (Anime Addicts Anonymous).
Put the “cuddle” pillow down! Step back from the abyss!
3. You Buy A Bit Too Heavily Into Anime Utopian and Dystopian Visions
Anime has an odd knack of conveying extremes.
The obvious example of this is simple human physiognomy. Real people don’t look like anime characters, and to be fair, that’s kind of the point.
But that hyperrealism extends well beyond limb proportions and eye size. Anime also tends to create extreme visions of society, either as utopian heaven-scapes or dystopian hell-vistas. Both have a peculiarly addictive quality.
Whichever extreme the fevered anime addict leans to, the result becomes exactly the same. Reality dims. It simply can’t compare to the fantastic, vivid quality of an anime mediated universe.
Either your view on life will constantly be grayed down against the painfully saturated visual abundance of anime utopia, or it will seem depressingly primary-colored and flat against the impossible porcelain delicacy of the heartbroken specter that is anime apocalyptica.
When reality loses its potency, anime addiction has crept into the corner of your bedroom mirror … and is oh-so-patiently waiting for you to sleep.
Sweet dreams.
4. You’re Charged With Disturbing the Peace After Getting Involved in a 3am Fist Fight Over Dubs vs Subs
OK sure, violence is wrong. We all get that. Just sometimes it’s even, well … wronger.
The 3am bare knuckle slap down definitely falls into this category, and it’s an extreme case. But be mindful it’s a slippery slope. The descent into madness has to start somewhere.
If you ever denied your grandma her meds because she accidentally broke wind on your anime “cuddle” pillow—that may be construed by society at large as an overreaction.
If you stole a neighbor’s pet ferret because they asked you if “those Simpsons on TV are anime”— again, it may be a good time to think about where this anime obsession may one day take you.
If your grandma, your neighbor’s ferret or other innocent bystanders end up becoming collateral damage in your relentless pursuit of anime ideals, you may be staring into the cold, dead armpit of anime addiction. Beware.
5. If Any of the Following Apply to You:
- You proudly wear a badge to work with the slogan, “reality is for people who can’t handle anime.”
- For a night on the town, you store your credit card and phone in a pink, sequin fanny pack with “it’s an anime thing!” printed on it in Comic Sans.
- You wear, plan to wear, or want other people to wear Cat Cosplay. Or … leapin’ criminy … anime panties.
- You purchased (with express shipping) two sets of novelty anime coat hangers (one is borderline).
Don’t get me wrong. They’re all pretty cool. They’re also just a teensy red flag that you may be on a spiraling descent into the heart of a warped anime maelstrom from which there could, quite possibly, be no return.
Other than that, it’s all good.
