Defining metal genres

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Dio Brando
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Defining metal genres

Post by Dio Brando »

In order to understand the differences between each metal style, let's imagine a certain situation and its outcome, according to each style of metal:

"High above in a castle, there's a princess who was kidnapped, locked in there and is now "guarded" by a terrible huge menacing dragon"...



POWER METAL
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.

THRASH METAL
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and [censored] her...easy and quick.

HEAVY METAL
The protagonist arrives on a Harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few
beers and [censored] the princess.

FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing acordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep (because of all the dancing). Then they all leave........ without the princess.

VIKING METAL
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.

DEATH METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, [censored] the princess and kills her, then leaves.

BLACK METAL
The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Then he sodomizes the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to the dragon.

GOREGRIND
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, [censored] the princess and kills her. Then he [censored] the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he [censored] the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and [censored] it for the last time.

GRINDCORE
The protagonist arrives, screams something completely undecipherable for about 2 minutes and then leaves...

DOOM METAL
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. Thats the end of the sad story.

GOTHIC METAL
The princess in a velvet costume starts singing soprano. The protagonist completes the duet by adding the beast part, while the dragon plays the flute. Suddenly he swallows up the pipe and accidentally scorches the beauty and the beast and suffocates to death. All their souls are damned in hell's eternity.

PROGRESSIVE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the Heavy Metal protagonist.

INDUSTRIAL METAL
The protagonist arrives wearing greasy overcoat, makes obscene gestures towards dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards.

SPEED METAL
Suddenly there, short solo, dragon is confused, someone's screaming weird stuff, princess realizes she's been deflowered, dragon and princess are still looking for the one who did this.

CHRISTIAN METAL
The protagonist rides in on his way home from church and sings a mushy power ballad to the dragon about how much Jesus loves him and that the dragon should turn to Him. The Dragon is immediately converted, and when the princess wants to thank the protagonist he replies, "Sorry, but I don't believe in having sex before marriage."

GLAM METAL
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink color.

STONER METAL
The protagonist sits in his living room smoking pot all day. He never arrives.

BATTLE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a legion of a hundred brave footmen, war chariots and a dozen elite warriors and, as a master tactician, flanks the dragon in a bloody siege that lasts six hours. The princess gets bored.

NU METAL
The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.

GRUNGE
The protagonist doesn't get eaten by the dragon because he stinks too much from not washing his hair in months. The princess won't go near him either, and he ends up dying on the town hall steps with the other grungers due to the overconsumption of booze, oxy and heroin.
Last edited by Dio Brando on Jun 12, 2009 1:16pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Defining metal genres

Post by Gaming Goddess »

This is good, but it would be better if the princess were Peach, and the dragon were in fact, Bowser.
And the protagonist were Mario, but possessed by Luigi.



In this way, you reach all demographics. You can thank me later.
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Re: Defining metal genres

Post by Dretlin »

I believe putting labels to styles is exactly whats wrong with music. Then again I can't stop anyone from doing it! 8)
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Re: Defining metal genres

Post by Dio Brando »

+:D.Ř.Ę.Ŧ.Ļ.Ĭ .N:+ wrote:I believe putting labels to styles is exactly whats wrong with music. Then again I can't stop anyone from doing it! 8)
I'm not creating labels. I was just bored and felt like writing something.
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Re: Defining metal genres

Post by Boxcar Bob »

I can't honestly say I ever knew there was a difference between 'Grindcore' & 'Goregrind' :|
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Re: Defining metal genres

Post by Aoi Sakuraba »

Hehe Metal is Metal to me
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Re: Defining metal genres

Post by Lestat69_99 »

Aoi Sakuraba wrote:Hehe Metal is Metal to me
Same here...It's been like that for me since I started listning to it back in the mid-80's.... Same goes for rock and the rest.... The only time I'll use sub-genres is if I have to explain to a poser or it's something catchy like NWOTM....
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Re: Defining metal genres

Post by Dio Brando »

Isamu Akinobu wrote:I can't honestly say I ever knew there was a difference between 'Grindcore' & 'Goregrind' :|
Grindcore is more punk influenced (eg Heresy), while Goregrind is more metal influenced and is even more abrasive and brutal (eg Last Days of Humanity)

Grindcore: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kEbqMQq8 ... re=related
Goregrind: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TcejSUBrdbc

Aoi Sakuraba wrote:Hehe Metal is Metal to me
Don't let Metal-Archives or the Last.fm kvlt police hear that
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Re: Defining metal genres

Post by Grell »

This made me lulz. Best thing I've seen all day.
Please, I am but a smol potate.

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Re: Defining metal genres

Post by Gaming Goddess »

Pretty sure he ripped it off though. Just throwing that out there. Since I've seen it... out there.
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Re: Defining metal genres

Post by Mai »

its become lucidly clear there is way too much metal out there and not enough prog/synth.

just sayin.

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Re: Defining metal genres

Post by Ethereal Blaze »

Agreed. What happened to the days of "Yes," "Kansas," and the pre-Glee days of journey? (I hate Glee so much, I would happily slaughter everyone involed in the making and watching of this High School Music with boobs -_-)
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Re: Defining metal genres

Post by Grell »

I have no idea what Glee is.
Please, I am but a smol potate.

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Re: Defining metal genres

Post by Dio Brando »

Gaming Goddess wrote:Pretty sure he ripped it off though. Just throwing that out there. Since I've seen it... out there.
This is far from the only forum I visit
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Re: Defining metal genres

Post by Gaming Goddess »

Dio Brando wrote:
Gaming Goddess wrote:Pretty sure he ripped it off though. Just throwing that out there. Since I've seen it... out there.
This is far from the only forum I visit
Fair, I don't recall it being a forum though. I suppose that they could have stolen it from another forum, people have been known to do that.
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Re: Defining metal genres

Post by SASSZAIN »

stop theif.

Are we still talking about metal definitions ?
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