Post your Rude, Crude and Filthy Jokes

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Lestat69_99
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Re: Post your Rude, Crude and Filthy Jokes

Post by Lestat69_99 »

A lady goes to the doctor's office and tells the doctor that she can't get her husband to have sex with her anymore. So, the doctor gives her some pills and says to give her husband one each night in his dinner whenever she wants to have sex. That night she gave him one and they had a decent night of sex. The next night she decided to try 4 pills and she had even better sex. Well the next night she tried 8 pills and the sex was wonderful. So the next night she decided to dump the whole bottle in his dinner. The next day her son showed up at the doctor's office and and said, "Doctor, Doctor, what did you do to my Daddy? My mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my butt hurts, and my dad's going around saying here kitty, kitty, kitty!"
"Well, look who's back...Show him why we call it "SPLATTERHOUSE'."
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Re: Post your Rude, Crude and Filthy Jokes

Post by WAKAI_sukebe »

giggle giggle giggle "umm baby why do whe have to doit in front of the mirror"
i dont know
"i dont like it"
........
"can we do it in the dark"
........
"at least in the bed"
*hehe look at them giggle*
............
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Re: Post your Rude, Crude and Filthy Jokes

Post by Nyx »

How can you tell which one is the head nurse?
...
....
.....
......
.......
........
.......
......
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...

She's the one with the dirty knees. :D
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Re: Post your Rude, Crude and Filthy Jokes

Post by Dretlin »

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

Man: "Hello?"

Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

Man: "Yes."

Woman: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only two thousand pounds. Is it okay if I buy it?"

Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one I really liked."

Man: "How much?"

Woman: "I think its 68,000 pounds."

Mam: "Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."

Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. The asking-price is 1.25 million."

Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 1 mil."

Woman: "Okay, honey, you're the best! I love you!"

Man: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

He starts to smile and asks: "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"
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Re: Post your Rude, Crude and Filthy Jokes

Post by Nyx »

An abbot in a monastary was concerned about the debaunchery in his monestary and so he decided to randomly test his monks. He called three monks into his office and tied a bell to each of their...well...you know. So, when they got an erection, the bell would go "ding-a-ling-a-ling". He showed the first monk the centerfold of a Penthouse and, "ding-a-ling-a-ling!" He frowned and shook his head and sent the monk off to pray. He showed the second monk the cover of an erotic video and "ding-a-ling-a-ling!" He sent the second monk of to pray. He moved on to the third monk and showed him a Playboy centerfold. Nothing. "Ah, my son! I'm proud of you," he exclaimed, laying his hand on the monk's shoulder. "Ding-a-ling-a-ling!"
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Re: Post your Rude, Crude and Filthy Jokes

Post by The Evil Russell Crowe »

Who is the most popular man at a nudist colony? The one with a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donoughts!
Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony? The one who can eat the last donought! :lol:
I see a little silhouetto of a man...
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Re: Post your Rude, Crude and Filthy Jokes

Post by Lestat69_99 »

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex. Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while.

Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch. In pain she screamed 'What the hell did you do that for?' Tarzan replied, 'Always check for squirrels.'
"Well, look who's back...Show him why we call it "SPLATTERHOUSE'."
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Re: Post your Rude, Crude and Filthy Jokes

Post by Jade_Steel_Hawk »

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
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Re: Post your Rude, Crude and Filthy Jokes

Post by WAKAI_sukebe »

clever Drunk. :-)

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: * 2 litres of low fat milk * a carton of eggs* 2 litres of orange juice * a head of lettuce * half a dozen tomatoes * a 500g jar of coffee * a 250g pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, A drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in Front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,”You must be single.”

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing Particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct.

But how on earth did you know that?” The drunk replied, “Cause you’re ugly.”
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Re: Post your Rude, Crude and Filthy Jokes

Post by Dretlin »

I love you wakai 8)
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Re: Post your Rude, Crude and Filthy Jokes

Post by Jamie Madrox »

A guy walks into a bar and sits down to have a drink
looking aroung he notices a donkey in the back of the bar
so he asks the bartender..."whats with the donkey?"
"its been here since i have and in the whole time its been here i have only heard it laugh once" says the bartender..."tell you what I"ll give ya 100 dollars t make it laugh"
"deal" the guy says walking over to the donkey

So the whispers something in the donkeys ear and all of a sudden the donkey busts out laughing and the guy collects his money and leaves

About a week later the guy goes back to the same bar and all he can hear is the same donkey laughing- so he heads over to the bartender who looks like he hasnt slept in a week

"whats up" the says looking around

The bartender says to the guy "ever since you came in here last week and whispered whatever yoyu said into his ear he hasnt stopped laughing...whats worse is that it drove my customers out....tell you what" the bartender says short of breath
"if you get him to cry or possibly shut him up i'll give ya a thousand bucks"

"deal" the guy says again walking over to the donkey and taking him behind a large wooden door

they both come back out and the donkey is in tears crying hard

confused the bartender asks the guy" what the heck did ya say to him" giving the guy the money

"First i told him i had a bigger penis then he did"
"And to make him cry" the bartender asked wonderingly
"simple" the guy says "I showed him"
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Re: Post your Rude, Crude and Filthy Jokes

Post by scorpionwarrior »

Birthday Present.


A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real [censored] tonight, Dave."
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Re: Post your Rude, Crude and Filthy Jokes

Post by Zabo »

Guys are on a quarry site, and are about to blast. To the left of the blast shed, is a porta potty. They are about to call the clear when one of the guys says:

"Hey, where's Jack?"

The Foreman answers "I thought he was in the shed. Oh well, call the clear anyway."

So the first guy does. "Fire in the hole!" He says in each direction, and as they are about to turn the firing key they hear a yell over the radio..

"FIRE IN MY HOLE YOU ASSHATS! I'M STILL ON THE SHITTER! DAMN MEXICAN FOOD!"
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Re: Post your Rude, Crude and Filthy Jokes

Post by .:Aki-Kun:. »

Lestat69_99 wrote:This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy; he'll service every chicken you've got. No problem."

Well , Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So , he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk, " Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen on there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese. Randy's up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.

The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal , shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Randy opens one eye, nods towards the sky and say's, "Shhh. They're getting closer...."
[censored] hilarious i find some jokes soon but, im going to coment the jokes but, great job with that joke got me laughing so hard right now
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Re: Fock that nun

Post by .:Aki-Kun:. »

Cold Revolver wrote:A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"




__friend of mine sent me this__ :lol:

[censored] that was hilarious ur and the other one are tied to be the best lmfao
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Re: Post your Rude, Crude and Filthy Jokes

Post by .:Aki-Kun:. »

Lestat69_99 wrote:A sailor and a priest were playing golf. The sailor took his first shot missed and said, "F*ck, I missed." Surprised, the priest replied, "Don't use that kind of language or god will punish you." The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot. Again he missed and under his breath the said, "I f*ckin missed again." The priest overheard and replied, "My son, please don't use that language or god will punish you." The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn't help mutter, "Oh f*ck" The priest said, "That's it god will certainly punish you." Suddenly a bolt of lightning came down and killed the priest. In the distance a deep voice said, "F*CK, I Missed".

when i read it i laughed so hard i feel of my chair and turned really red and tears came out lmfao
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