Post your Rude, Crude and Filthy Jokes

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.:Aki-Kun:.
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Re: Post your Rude, Crude and Filthy Jokes

Post by .:Aki-Kun:. »

Pennyroyal Tea wrote:Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.” The king then explained, “Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you’ll be eaten.” The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed.

The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.

1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!”

The second one replied, I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples

that was so wrong but, very hilarious
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http://templeshoebox.proboards19.com/in ... w=1&id=720
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Re: Post your Rude, Crude and Filthy Jokes

Post by Jade_Steel_Hawk »

How can you tell if a blonde girl has a blonde boyfriend?








When she has bruises on her belly button.
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Re: Post your Rude, Crude and Filthy Jokes

Post by Coin~operated Boy<3 »

Jade_Steel_Hawk wrote:How can you tell if a blonde girl has a blonde boyfriend?








When she has bruises on her belly button.
DUde that kicks ass! :lol: :lol: :lol: im useing that one at the next pta meeting. 8)

three cows ask there mother why they were named what they were. so they go up one by one. the first one asks and the mother tells her

"you were named rose because a rose was droped on your head when you were born"

the second one asks and the mother goes

"you were named tulip because a tulip was droped on your head when you were born."

the third one says "nya hea whaa na wa!"

and the mother says

"shut the hell up cynderblock!"
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Re: Post your Rude, Crude and Filthy Jokes

Post by Aoi Sakuraba »

Poor guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
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Re: Post your Rude, Crude and Filthy Jokes

Post by Tsukasa »

Very Funny Aoi



A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for their 25th anniversary.
"HA!" he snorted. "The day I buy you a fur coat will be the day you can grow hair on your chest!" On that she hikes up her skirt, drops her panties, and thrust her pubic area forward, "There! I have hair on my chest, now buy me the damn coat!" "That's not your chest!" he roars back.
"Damn right it's my chest!" she argued. "Before we got married, this was your hope chest. On our honeymoon it was your treasure chest. Afterwards it became our family chest....AND IF YOU DON'T BUY ME A FUR COAT...IT WILL SOON BECOME THE COMMUNITY CHEST!"
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Re: Post your Rude, Crude and Filthy Jokes

Post by WAKAI_sukebe »

Anniversary Presents Joke
Posted April 8th, 2008 in Dirty Jokes



A rich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary. They’re both at Madison Avenue shopping for their wives. The poor man says to the rich man, “What’d you get your wife this year?” He says, “A Mercedes and a huge diamond ring.” The poor man says, “Why’d you get her both?” The rich man says, “If she doesn’t like the ring, she can take it back happy.” The poor man says, “OK… that works.” The rich man asks, “Well what did you get your wife?” The Poor man replies, “A pair of slippers and a dildo.” The Rich man thinks for a moment and says, “Why’d you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo?” The Poor man says, “If she doesn’t like the slippers, she can go fck herself!”
Quick get the revolver and one bullet you were saving for xmas. say no to violence kids
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Re: Post your Rude, Crude and Filthy Jokes

Post by WAKAI_sukebe »

A seventy-five-year old year old man went to his doctor to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the seventy-five-year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as he had received it on the previous day.

"Where's the sample?" said the Doctor.
"Well, doctor, it's like this," the man explained. "First I tried with my right hand, but that didn't work. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still no joy. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing."

"I see.." said the Doctor dubiously. "Then what did you do?"
"Well, I asked my sixteen year old neice to lend a hand, but she failed too, even when she took it between her legs and squeezed it really hard."
"Her legs!" exclaimed the doctor, appalled.

"So I went next door to Eileen, and she tried too, first with both hands, then both armpits in turn and she even tried rolling it between her knees, but still nothing.
"You asked your neighbour?" cried the shocked doctor.

"The old man replied, "Yes, but no matter what we tried we still couldn't get the [censored] jar open!"
Quick get the revolver and one bullet you were saving for xmas. say no to violence kids
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Re: Post your Rude, Crude and Filthy Jokes

Post by Jamie Madrox »

This guy walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of the hardest whiskey he had

the bartender makes the drinks and hands them to the guy
and watches him down them one by one till they were all gone

"Whats the occasion?" the bartender asks
"today was my first blow job" the guy says

"Well congrats to you...heres another shot on the house"

The looks at him angrily "If the first 6 shots didnt get the taste of dick outta my mouth;
what makes you think a seventh one will help!"
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Re: Post your Rude, Crude and Filthy Jokes

Post by Nyx »

What did the leper say the hooker?
You can keep the tip.
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Re: Post your Rude, Crude and Filthy Jokes

Post by Lestat69_99 »

There were these three farmers that wanted to win the state fair contest for having the largest hog. They decide that they should stick a cork in the pigs a$$ and feed him for a month before the fair. The only problem was that none of them wanted to be the one to stick the cork in. So they bought a monkey and trained him to stick corks in bottles. After a week or two of this, they stick the monkey in the pen with the pig and a cork, and after a minute, the monkey did what he was supposed to do. The farmers fed the pig for a month and sure enough, they won first prize. Once they got home, they realized they still had to take the cork out. So they trained this same monkey to take corks out of bottles. They stuck the monkey in the pen with the pig, and the farmers woke up three days later in the hospital with a reporter sitting next to them. The reporter asked the first farmer, "What is the last thing you remember?" "Sh!t flying everywhere," the farmer replied. The reporter asked the second farmer the same question and got the same response. When she got to the third farmer and asked him what he could remember, he started crying. The reporter asked, "What's the matter?" The farmer replied, "The last thing I remember is the look on the poor monkey's face as he tried to stick the cork back in."
"Well, look who's back...Show him why we call it "SPLATTERHOUSE'."
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Re: Post your Rude, Crude and Filthy Jokes

Post by cheetahfear »

A little girl was walking along a beach in California when
she came across a man with no clothes on and just a newspaper
covering his genitals.
The little girl said, "What do you have under that newspaper, Mister?"
The man said, "Nothing, it's just a bird, now go away!"
The man thought nothing of her and quickly fell asleep.
Hours later, the man woke up in a hospital bed in excrutiating pain.
"Where the hell am I?"
A doctor replied, "Someone called 9-1-1 and said you needed emergency
help, so we rushed you right over."
"Well, what the hell happened to me?"
"We don't know, son. Do you remember anything unusual happening
to you today?"
The man said, "Well, there was a little girl bugging me just
before I fell asleep."
The doctor sent someone to the beach to see if the little girl was
still there, and she was. The person said, "Do you know what happened
to that nice man you saw here earlier?"
"Well," the little girl said, "I started to play with that nice little
bird that he had and the damn thing spit on me. So, I wrung its neck,
broke its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even
bigger man to laugh at that man.
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Re: Post your Rude, Crude and Filthy Jokes

Post by Nyx »

How can you tell which hole to stick it in on a fat chick?

Roll her in flour and aim for the dark spot.
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Re: Post your Rude, Crude and Filthy Jokes

Post by Baby Duck »

A blind man was once walking down a street.
He stops by a fish market, takes a deep breath and says,
"Evening Ladies!"
May the mountains rise against you
May the forests block your path
May your axes chip and shatter
And know it is my Wrath
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Re: Post your Rude, Crude and Filthy Jokes

Post by scorpionwarrior »

LOL

Why are men like cars?
Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.

If I had a rooster and you had a donkey and your donkey ate my rooster. What would you have?
2 ft. of my cock in your @ss.
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Re: Post your Rude, Crude and Filthy Jokes

Post by Snowy »

sorry n.n i didnt see this thread :sweat:

sorry n.n

er... here is a crude one but be careful, it might make you nausious.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7C9bk5tGUeo
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Re: Post your Rude, Crude and Filthy Jokes

Post by Snowy »

from bash.org


bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
BritneySpears14: Aight.
bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.
bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.
bloodninja: Me too baby.
BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.
bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
BritneySpears14: Hey...
bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 chicken of the Infinite.
BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.
bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty F*ck of the Beyondness.
BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
bloodninja: Don't f*ck with me [censored], I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.
BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece of ****.
bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.
bloodninja: Baby?
--------------
BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready?
eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I'm ready.
BritneySpears14: I like your music Em... Tee hee.
eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.
BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you.
BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular physique.
eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: What the f*ck, I told you not to message me again.
eminemBNJA: Oh ****
BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time I'm gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you f*ck up.
eminemBNJA: Oh ****
eminemBNJA: damn I gotta write down your names or something
I cannot save you, I cant even save myself.
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