Absolute Anime

Posted: **Jul 01, 2008 11:59pm**

Why was the washing machine laughing?
Because it was taking the p*ss out the underpants.

What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic = using a feather
Kinky = using the whole chicken

Posted: **Jul 12, 2008 11:01pm**

One day, a teenager and his girlfriend plan to have sex that night

The only problem is, he shares a room with his twin brother, so he tells her: "Listen, he can't find out about what we're doing so here's the code. Bacon means easy. Lettuce is faster. Tomato is harder."

So that night they start making love.

"Bacon. Bacon. Lettuce. Lettuce. Tomato. TOMATO!" she says

The brother says: "Can you quit making sandwiches in here? You just got mayonnaise on my face!"

Posted: **Jul 13, 2008 7:07pm**

i have to eat n.n brb

Posted: **Jul 14, 2008 12:06pm**

Snowy wrote:i have to eat n.n brb

SAFD

Posted: **Jul 14, 2008 2:55pm**

Gyro Zeppeli wrote:One day, a teenager and his girlfriend plan to have sex that night

The only problem is, he shares a room with his twin brother, so he tells her: "Listen, he can't find out about what we're doing so here's the code. Bacon means easy. Lettuce is faster. Tomato is harder."

So that night they start making love.

"Bacon. Bacon. Lettuce. Lettuce. Tomato. TOMATO!" she says

The brother says: "Can you quit making sandwiches in here? You just got mayonnaise on my face!"

Old-as-hell joke.
Never heard the it with "bacon" though.

Posted: **Jul 15, 2008 6:27pm**

What did the Penis say to the Condom?

"Cover me, I'm going in."

Why do men prefer not to perform Oral Sex on a woman in the morning?

Because it feels like trying to peel off the cheese on a grilled cheese sandwich with your mouth.

Imaginary Condom Brands:

Star Trek Condoms They are out of this world.
Nike Condoms Just Do It.
KFC Condoms Finger Licking good.
Energizer Condoms It keeps going, and going, and going...

Posted: **Jul 20, 2008 10:15pm**

A man walks in a bar and asks to use the toilet, about an hour later he comes out,

bartender asked "what where you doing in there"
Man replies "i was blowing bubble" and walks out

about 5 minutes later another guy comes in and asks to use the toilet, he too comes out about an hour later.

again the bartender asks what he was doing
man replies "i was blowing bubbles" and walks out

about 20 minutes later a mystery man appear out of the bathroom, bartender asks "who are you?"

man replies "oh, I'm bubbles'

Posted: **Jul 22, 2008 10:31am**

Snowy wrote:from bash.org

bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
BritneySpears14: Aight.
bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.
bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.
bloodninja: Me too baby.
BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.
bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
BritneySpears14: Hey...
bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 chicken of the Infinite.
BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.
bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty F*ck of the Beyondness.
BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
bloodninja: Don't f*ck with me [censored], I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.
BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece of ****.
bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.
bloodninja: Baby?
--------------
BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready?
eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I'm ready.
BritneySpears14: I like your music Em... Tee hee.
eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.
BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you.
BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular physique.
eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: What the f*ck, I told you not to message me again.
eminemBNJA: Oh ****
BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time I'm gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you f*ck up.
eminemBNJA: Oh ****
eminemBNJA: damn I gotta write down your names or something

That made me giggle like a school girl.

Posted: **Jul 22, 2008 4:28pm**

Pennyroyal Tea wrote:
Snowy wrote:from bash.org

bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
BritneySpears14: Aight.
bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.
bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.
bloodninja: Me too baby.
BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.
bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
BritneySpears14: Hey...
bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 chicken of the Infinite.
BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.
bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty F*ck of the Beyondness.
BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
bloodninja: Don't f*ck with me [censored], I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.
BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece of ****.
bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.
bloodninja: Baby?
--------------
BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready?
eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I'm ready.
BritneySpears14: I like your music Em... Tee hee.
eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.
BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you.
BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular physique.
eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: What the f*ck, I told you not to message me again.
eminemBNJA: Oh ****
BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time I'm gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you f*ck up.
eminemBNJA: Oh ****
eminemBNJA: damn I gotta write down your names or something
That made me giggle like a school girl.

It's more places than bash.org. xD

Posted: **Jul 23, 2008 8:19pm**

Pennyroyal Tea wrote:
Snowy wrote:from bash.org

bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
BritneySpears14: Aight.
bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.
bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.
bloodninja: Me too baby.
BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.
bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
BritneySpears14: Hey...
bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 chicken of the Infinite.
BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.
bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty F*ck of the Beyondness.
BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
bloodninja: Don't f*ck with me [censored], I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.
BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece of ****.
bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.
bloodninja: Baby?
--------------
BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready?
eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I'm ready.
BritneySpears14: I like your music Em... Tee hee.
eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.
BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you.
BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular physique.
eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: What the f*ck, I told you not to message me again.
eminemBNJA: Oh ****
BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time I'm gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you f*ck up.
eminemBNJA: Oh ****
eminemBNJA: damn I gotta write down your names or something
That made me giggle like a school girl.

LMAO

Posted: **Aug 23, 2008 11:15pm**

What did the gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...

"Where do you find an egg in all this s**t?"'

Posted: **Sep 07, 2008 7:58pm**

not really dirty or anything but nowhere else to post it to my knowledge.

Paul was in trouble, He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really angry. She told him, tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from '0' to '200' in less than 6 seconds, and it BETTER BE THERE!!!

The NEXT MORNING Paul got up early and left for work. When his wife looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She brought the box in to the house and opened it...and there was a BRAND NEW BATHROOM SCALE.

Paul has been missing since Friday...Please pray for him.

Posted: **Sep 07, 2008 8:55pm**

OMG that was good XD

Posted: **Sep 10, 2008 8:57am**

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"

The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right." His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!!!!"

Posted: **Sep 17, 2008 12:02pm**

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price. The motorcycle is missing a seal, though, so whenever it rains Steve has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

Steve’s girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents one evening. He drives his new motorcycle to his girlfriend’s house.

She is waiting outside for him when he arrives. &quotNo matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word. Our family had a fight a while ago about doing the dinner dishes. We haven't done any since... and the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and soon notices that his girlfriend wasn’t exaggerating. It is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen and nobody is saying a word. Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her onto the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her father is obviously livid, and her mother is horrified. Yet, when Sdteve and his girlfriend resume their placs at the dinner table, nobody says a word.

A few minutes later, Steve grabs his girlfriend’s mom, throws her onto the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her father is boiling, and her mother is a little more pleased. But still, there is complete silence at the table.

Suddenly, there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle outside and so he jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline.

With a look of terror in his eyes, the girlfriend’s father backs away from the table and exclaims, &quotOkay, enough already, I'll do the damn dishes!"

Posted: **Sep 17, 2008 12:25pm**

A Preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told there were fortunes in Race horses, he decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise the donkey came in third. The next day the racing sheets carried the headlines,

"Preacher's Ass shows"

The Preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again and this time he won! The papers said,

"Preacher's Ass out in Front"

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The newspaper printed this headline,

"Bishop Scratches Preacher's Ass"

This was just too much for the Bishop and he ordered the Preacher to get rid of the animal. The Preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The headlines the next day read,

"Nun has the Best Ass in Town"

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who was willing to buy it for $10.00. The paper states,

"Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks"

They buried the Bishop the next day.

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