A Rant for You
All of a sudden I remember why I don’t put my heart out there anymore; because I can’t stop it from breaking. I guess it’s funny, because if I explained why it broke, most people would initially laugh, thinking I must be joking. Then, as they realized I wasn’t kidding in the least, they’d think I was crazy. And maybe I am and maybe I don’t care and maybe I’m proud to be so. But it doesn’t matter, because what they think isn’t important. What matters is how I feel and I’m…..sad….no, not strong enough….hurt?….closer, but no….crushed? ladies and gentleman, I think we have a winner. I’m crushed. And maybe he didn’t matter to a lot of people, the thing is that he did, just maybe not as much as he mattered to me(and perhaps a select few others). But I loved him, so immensely that it hurts to lose him. And he loved me, I think, just maybe not enough to stay. Perhaps I shouldn’t say “me,” he “loved” a lot of us. And though there was this vast number of us, he didn’t love us enough to stay with us. Or maybe…he did. Maybe he wanted to leave a long time ago, but stayed for us. Maybe he just couldn’t do it anymore. I’m upset with myself now. I wonder how long he’s been strong for us…Probably longer than we deserve. The least I can do is to be strong for him, for as long as he’s still here. But don’t expect me to be strong while he’s away. I’m crushed, and crushed people need to cry. I’m gonna cry, just not where he, or anyone else can see. I hope he forgives me for it. I didn’t wanna cry. I told him I’d be strong. But I forgot when I made that promise, I’m not a strong person. That kind of annoys me, because I thought I’d toughened up some after losing “him,” and even before that I thought I’d toughened up while with him….*thinks*… oh yeah. I remember now; I was pretending. I wanted him to think I was strong, because he didn’t want a “feeble chick.” Though he’d been just playing, I knew that’s exactly what I was. I was a feeble chick, weak, easily pained, and always breaking. My heart, was always breaking. I wanted to stop that. “Stop giving away your heart!” I told myself that time and time again. If I stopped giving it away, people would stop breaking it. It didn’t take me long to realize though, that I didn’t need other people to break my heart; I broke it just fine on my own. And look where I am now; crushed AND broken. And did he break me? No. I broke myself. I guess I expected things to always stay the way they were. I guess I thought that time revolved around me and that I could stop it at will. Of course life doesn’t work that way. Sad right? Oh well. We just have to learn to live around it. I can’t stop his life. I can’t change his decisions, and trust me, I’ve tried. Someone told me he was just trying to be happy. And then I thought back on myself; you selfish little brat. (I’ve got more deserving words, but let’s keep this clean, kay?) it hit me that I was a hindrance. I was standing in the way of his happiness. Who the HELL was I to stand in the way of HIS happiness? Nobody. It also hit me that he cared what I thought, and that pained me because that’s exactly what I was counting on. How can I say sorry enough, for being one of the things that held you back? For standing in the way of your happiness? I’m sorry. A thousand times I’m sorry….no. not good enough. A million times I’m sorry…Infinity times?….Why does the most infinite number still seem insufficient. I wonder if I’ll let you read this, all of this. I couldn’t give you bits and pieces. It would have to be this, in its entirety, or nothing at all. I wonder if I bothered to type this up, would you even bother to read it. I imagine you now, feeling what I’m feeling, crying as I’m crying, and returning, just so I won’t have to this way anymore. Maybe I won’t let you read it afterall. I couldn’t bear the thought for a second, that you’d come back because of me and my aching heart. To know that I was your hindrance, once again. No, maybe I’ll just keep this one. No one has to see. But I’ll read it again, to think of you, because forgetting is something I just can’t do…That rhymed. There goes the poet in me…But that last part sounds familiar, maybe a phrase from some song or another. I wanna smile now. And though I’m smiling on the inside, I can’t make my mouth reflect it. Maybe I’ll let you read this, because I want you to smile on the inside too. My outer smile doesn’t matter; that’s everyone else’s smile. My inner smile is what counts; that one’s for me. And this inner smile, is for you too. Yeah, I’ll let you read this, because I want you to feel this inner smile too. This smile… this smile is ours. And I want you to smile it, and think of me. I want you to read all this, but you probably won’t. it’s okay if you don’t, because I had to write it anyway. I’m crushed remember? Crushed people cry, and this crushed person, she writes too. And I think about it, I’m not crushed anymore. I’m done wondering if writing helps; it does. I can’t quite feel my right arm anymore, but my heart hurts less. I want you to read this, and if you’ve possibly read to this part, I want you to show this to Mel too. I think it might help her. I think she might have been crushed too, but may not have been as…open with it as I was. Just think, I’ve got to type this. 7 pages long and I’ve got to type it. Reading is easy. You’re lucky. So read all of it. On a final note, I’m sorry for all the trouble I caused you, and I’ll miss you. I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!
After you’ve read all that just think, “I read 7 pages worth of Korita’s typing,” which is fairly small. I think I’ve been just as depressed as you have lately. Only, I’ve gone through the stages of actual grief. I’ve hit every stage: 1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance. I was in denial for awhile, just like I was when my aunt died. I didn’t believe it, and part of me still hasn’t accepted it. Then I was angry. I was mad you were leaving and I couldn’t convince you not to. Then I tried bargaining. I tried to give you reasons why you shouldn’t leave. Then I was depressed. I cried so many times while writing all this it’s sad. And now, I think I’ve moved on to acceptance. I’m trying to accept that you are leaving because you want to. It’s your choice and I have no right to stand in the way of what you want. Just know we’ll all miss you. I love you. Always.
Part of the 
so much better than dealing with what really is. >.>
