And now for something completely different...

[Gravy-Train‽]

Whenever I'm bored, whether it be while traveling or in class, I expand on a story I started a few years ago. It's not really made to be read in print, it would probably be better as a comic or animation. But that isn't happening, so I thought I would give this a try. It's the first part of the story, though chronologically it takes place at the very end of it all, right before the final fight. It's odd, I know, but I find stories are more interesting if readers are thrown into the action for a brief second and are then taken back to the start of the story. In this way, the story essentially ends where it starts and starts where it ends. But enough talk, have at you!

St. Noren
&
The Kings of Overspace


Prologue: Skip to the End

Ren stood at the top of his world. Straining to lean over the edge, he could see the expanse of the real universe spread beneath him, an ocean of galaxies. A view like this would have put him in high spirits, if only he could lean forward a little more without being hindered by his former childhood friends imprisoning him to this spot. A sharp yell from Nina brought his attention back to the trial.

“…and furthermore, is found irredeemably guilty for betrayal and subterfuge of the ideals and practice of the Sovereign Council. Two, for undermining the parameters set aside for world peace by preaching notions of personal freedom to subjects of Territory 6. Three, leading a rebellion against the United World Territories of the Council. Four, the corporeal murder of First Sovereign, resulting in the total destruction of Earth’s moon and Jupiter. You need not plead your case, our judgment is flawless. You will be put to death, permanently this time.” Ren cringed as they doled out his sentence in perfect unison. Their universal hive mind - though it brought an end to all conflict - made everyone so passive, so slave-like. He had made up his mind long ago to put an end to it. Put an end to them. Even if it meant sacrificing their worlds and everyone in them to do so, it was something that had to be done. Ren had firmly decided that he was the only one who could stop them. No one else could fight The Power.

“Your grand majesties,” Ren retorted most sarcastically, “I’d like to add a few more points to my resume it if would please them to do so. One, the wholesome annihilation of the Sovereign Council’s satellite universes. Two, manifesting the higher level spirit of a former Sovereign to the hallowed grounds of overspace!”

The four remaining members of the Council had no time to react as the shell of Ren’s satellite universe cracked and exploded beneath them, the shards of existence churning their bodies into pulp. Drawing power from their respective satellite worlds to reform their bodies, they gaped in horror at the first sight their newly formed eyes were allowed to gaze upon. The horn of Ren’s spirit manifestation, bigger than a galaxy it rose beyond site, protruding from the gaping hole in the broken universe.

A speck atop his new mountain thrown, Ren boisterously yelled down to his former comrades, “I will not argue with your idea of justice. I acknowledge my guilt in these matters, but the flow of power in this situation is as of now, reversed. Only he who wields absolute power can impart absolute justice. Being so, I now call you to trial. One, for rule by force instead of consent. Two, for the repression of free will in the entirety of humanity. Three, for betraying your friend and wiping his assigned nation off the face of the earth, you guys are dicks. One thousand eyes cast judgment upon you. My infinite justice wipes you clean from existence; my left hand scatters your creations to the wind!”

As if commanded on cue, the segments in the horn of Ren’s beast sprung open, revealing a multitude of horrific eyes. A blast of death shot forth from each new optic, slicing the Council to pieces. Their lumps of flesh splattered on the floor of the central universe below. Ren bit his knuckle and started pacing, his revenge was over with far too quickly to enjoy. He resolved to spare their worlds for the time being. The power within each would reanimate his friends an indefinite amount of time. Placing his hands behind his head, Ren sprawled himself out on his galactic throne and smiled up at the endless and empty expanse above him. One thousand deaths for his sister, two thousand deaths for her lover, three thousand deaths for his sadistic friend, and a spectacular galaxy-destroying battle for when his teacher decided to join him.



(I'm looking for real critiques. Not 2 word replies. If you think it's good, tell me why. If you think it sucks, tell me why, it's your only chance for revenge.)

[animaniac]

well I liked it, the dialogue you had going in this was really good, because it was easy to imagine the characters and how they are acting, although for me, it was hard to imagine the scene because you explain too briefly, if that makes sense, but i dunno, that's just what I felt. But I really liked it.

[Gravy-Train‽]

well I liked it, the dialogue you had going in this was really good, because it was easy to imagine the characters and how they are acting, although for me, it was hard to imagine the scene because you explain too briefly, if that makes sense, but i dunno, that's just what I felt. But I really liked it.

I know, it would be a lot easier to visualize if it was drawn out. You find out later in the story, after the flashforward, that they all stumbled across a transdimensional substance that gives them the power of mind over matter, making them almost god-like. In order to make space for their energy, they each have a small parallel universe outside of the real universe where they siphon their power from.

It looks kind of like this: Overspace

This scene takes place on Ren's sphere. Since they are all outside of reality at the time, their size is relative, so to them the universe is the size of Rhode Island and each parallel universe sphere about the size of a city.

[animaniac]

Ahhh I see, but I did actually imagine the overspace to look like that picture as I was reading so you did well in that, but still, my only critique is explaining the scene and emotions more explicitly so you pull in the reader and connect them with the story and characters as much as possible but I'm just speaking from a personal perspective.
From what I know your story has many elements to it and I'd like to see how it all begins, it's actually pretty interesting, and yeh it would be awesome as an anime.
But overall it's a really good start, so far it has intruiged me to read on.

[The Evil Russell Crowe]

I thought i was very good. The adjectives were dramatic and sucked me in, and the dialouge was clever and as Ari said, it was made easy to imagine the characters and thier actions. Good job.