I don't know if I'm wide awake or dreaming

[Pennyroyal Tea]

I post a lot of blogs on Myspace, and sometimes I like to just be serious about stuff and write about stuff that has a huge impact on the things that happen in my life. Sometimes to show everyone around here that there's more to me than one big joke I like to post them on AA when I feel I've done an extra special job.


Here's another one.

In the past, every time I posted a blog, I always felt like it missed something. Something that made me not approve of the whole process. I think what I disprove of is the fact that it doesn't seem to have any sort of direction. But I don't know what that really means. I just feel like I'm meant to accomplish something, and I know that for some reason I'm far from accomplishing the crap that I need to accomplish. I'd like to say that maybe I'm just misguided, but the truth is, I'm just not good enough. Yet. It's not like it's a disaster, I can get better, I just don't know how so I guess we'll find that out in the coming weeks. Maybe my whole writing style needs to be retooled. Maybe I just haven't found what I need to find yet, if that's the case, as long as I keep my eyes out I should be fine right?

I guess what I want to talk about in brief today is balance. What is it? Something you can search your whole life for and not realize it. Balance is something we seek out all the time. We seek happiness to counter our sadness. In many ways. We find holes inside of us and we fill it. With anything. Sometimes it's drugs, it could be sex, it could be friends, seemingly anything that will take up space.

Sometimes it feels like the more we shove in there, the bigger our hole gets. Sometimes we fill it just fine. Sometimes it gets filled for us. Then all of a sudden something disappears and we're left empty. We wonder what went wrong. How something so beautiful turn into an ugliness. How our colorful skies bled gray. How we're now in the rain.

When we're not used to feeling empty we try to find quick fixes. That's what everyone is about. The quick fix. What can help me now. What saves me now. Quick fixes never solve problems, they just make us forget about it for awhile. So what quick fixes do you have in your life? How do you know if something is a quick fix? Who knows. Life's greatest mysteries go unanswered. Maybe we have all the answers. Maybe we're just not asking the right questions. Maybe if we did ask the right questions it would change our life.

What's wrong in my life? What's right? What am I doing wrong? Are these the right questions? What can I be doing better? What can I change about myself that would make me better? What have I done lately to improve my life? When was the last time I did something that didn't make sense? When was the last time I did something out of the ordinary to break the monotony.

I guess I've been going at thinks pretty half assed my whole life. Haven't really seen the point in going full blown. I always dogged it and expected everything to just work out somehow. To be honest I probably didn't even expect that much. I just wanted to fail, because that's what I was used to. I mean, I didn't fully overtly want to fail, it was just a subconscious thing that I had.

You know what? Maybe I should really [censored] up and watch everything burn. Maybe then I'd stop treading water and do something with my life. It shouldn't take it, but maybe I need one of those full scale total collapses just so I know what it feels like. I'm tired of treading water, I'm either going to sink or swim. A few days ago I was totally ready to just sink. But one person changed my mind. And ya know what? She probably doesn't even know it. She didn't even try to. She didn't even know I was drowning but she saved me and I love her for it I really do. She knows this though because I'm devoting my life towards her. I told her that, so she should know, that she's number one for me. I live for her and in many ways her alone.

But that's a bad thing to admit. So I'm in search of finding my own reasons to live besides that. Standing on my own two legs. I may stumble, [censored], I may even fall, but with whatever scrapes or bruises, I know how to stand back up.

I will definitely find what it is that makes me me.

[scorpionwarrior]

Penn you've given me something to think about. Though something I can definitely say that makes you, you, is your intelligence and quick wit. This is why I respect your opinions, you always have something to say and say it, unlike me who thinks about what to say.

[Pennyroyal Tea]

Thanks a whole lot.

That's what I enjoy doing, giving people stuff to think about, and hopefully it will change something about the way they live their lives.

[scorpionwarrior]

I understand that. Which is the exact reason I do my poems.

[Hardcore]

I'm speechless.

That was excellent, Neo.

[Biki]

"I guess what I want to talk about in brief today is balance. What is it? Something you can search your whole life for and not realize it. Balance is something we seek out all the time. We seek happiness to counter our sadness. In many ways. We find holes inside of us and we fill it. With anything. Sometimes it's drugs, it could be sex, it could be friends, seemingly anything that will take up space.

Sometimes it feels like the more we shove in there, the bigger our hole gets. Sometimes we fill it just fine. Sometimes it gets filled for us. Then all of a sudden something disappears and we're left empty. We wonder what went wrong. How something so beautiful turn into an ugliness. How our colorful skies bled gray. How we're now in the rain."



This whole part.....yeah all that......got me. x.x cuz thats what ive been doing lately. Not trying to use quick fixes, but im trying to fix myself. I think the one sentence that really kinda just got me was, "Sometimes it feels like the more we shove in there, the bigger our hole gets." I understand that. You fill an empty space endlessly and all it does is get more empty. I guess that's how life is sometimes.

[Jade_Steel_Hawk]

I really like your blogs. You put a lot of thought into them, and just about everyone can relate.
A lot of times I feel as if I'm ready to sink too. =/
Yet that would mean to give up everything I've ever worked for.
I found this story a while back. It made me decide to keep moving, so I figured I'd share.


An elder Cherokee Native American was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them...

“A fight is going on inside me... it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.

The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.

This same fight is going on inside you and every other person, too.”

They thought about this for a minute, and then one child asked his grandfather... “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied... “The one you feed.”

[Pennyroyal Tea]

That's a good ass story.

[Biki]

agreed. made me stop and think for a minute. too true. >.>

[Hardcore]

Nice Jade. [: