just a storant (not quite a story or a rant)

[Biki]

3-6-08

"I'll explain everything later if I'm still alive." That's what he said to me. I didn't take it so seriously until hours later when I still hadn't heard from him. I went to bed with it on my mind and was still thinking of him when I awoke. Still no reply. It took me a minute to realize my heart was in dread. He couldn't be....he couldn't have....there was just no way he...When he told me that, I told him I'd pray for him. The last thing he said to me was, "thank you." I realized that when I woke up, he wasn't just in my prayers, he was my prayer. My sole prayer to God was to keep him safe, let me know he was safe and okay, and bring him back to me. Even now, in the farthest corners of my mind, I am silently praying: "Lord, bless him, help him, watch over him, and return him to me. Please?" So far my prayers go unanswered, and I admit I'm not much of a patient person. Were my faith a bit more fickle, I may have changed religions or dropped it all together. But I'm still hoping and wishing and waiting and I haven't heard from him. And I admit my resolve is dissolving. And I think back on all the times I admitted to him that I was afraid of losing him. He always got mad, saying that if I really believed I could lose him, that I didn't know him at all. Tell me, how much worse could I lose you? It's like my fears have all been confirmed, but in the worst way. I got up the day following the message, almost hoping i had dreamed it. Or at least hoping it was over. So I sent him a message saying that if he was alive, to let me know now, and to never scare me like that again. And if a time came when he was to die, not to tell me. That I'd rather think he hated me and never wanted to speak to me again than to know that was so cruelfully ripping him from my life. Then I sent another message to the unknown, telling him that if he was dead that I would beg the Lord now to strike me down for my sins as well and immediately because I couldn't take such an existance much longer. I couldn't handle being among the living, when everything within me was dead. And thus I waited for an answer, and none came. I'm still waiting for an answer, and I fear none will come. And for a minute, I prayed for death. And for a moment, I considered exacting it on myself. But then I thought, for perhaps the hundreth time of my life, that if I did, consider the number of people that care for me and how I'd be making them feel just as I am feeling. I couldn't do it. And somehow I knew, perhaps even before I thought of it this time, that I could never do it. I could never cause this much pain on anyone knowingly and willingly. But how, for a moment, had I wanted it. To take my life into my own hands and end it with one fatal blow. I thought that death would be a beautiful addition to the pain, even if it meant being condemned for taking my own life. I figured hell could be no worse than the pain I was already facing. But no, he wouldn't want that. He wouldn't want me to take my life. He always got mad when I considered taking my own life before for or because of some other person. I knew he wouldn't want me to take it, even for him. He told me that people weren't worth it. And so I won't, for him above all other people. Huh. I think back on once, when he told me I couldn't die without saying goodbye to him first. I don't like the word goodbye, because someone once said it was permanent. I don't want a permanent goodbye from him. So I told him I'd talk to him later, because I will. Be it in this life or the next is what I'm unsure about. I'd prefer this life. And so I'm still praying on it, because stopping my prayers is like saying he's dead and I can't say that, I won't say that; and I have no proof to prove it true anyway. Lord I come now to strengthen my plea. I beg of You with all that I have and all that I am because I realize that's how I love him. I love him with all that I have and all that I am, with each part of my being, each beat of my heart, each breath from my mouth, with each word that I write, I love him. And how, Lord, how, could something, someone, like that be taken from me...again. It took me a second to realize, but it's happening again. I'm losing someone I loved beyond words. And Lord, I must wonder, for what? What did I do? What could I have done SO BAD to keep taking the people I love from me? Lord I want...want, want, want...Lord that word just doesn't fit. Lord I NEED, I need these people. don't stay sane on my own and I'm barely making it as it is. You are taking the people from me that were...are my happiness. So do tell me Lord, what do I have left? I lost my crush Lord. That one that became so much more than that the longer I knew him. And now You're taking him from me too, Lord? HIM?! Not him, Lord. Please not him. Not the one who loved me, Lord, the only one who LOVED me, Lord, for all that I was Lord, and all that I was not. Did You hear me Lord? He loved me FOR them, and not despite. Most people love me despite, Lord, but he loved me for. You take the only person who ever loved me that much, Lord? Not even You loved me like that, Lord. You love Your children despite their faults, Lord; he loved me for mine. Lord, he wasn't a want, he was so much more than a want, Lord. He was even more than a need. I can't even say what he was, Lord, but he was a part of me. Lord, You're taking an entire part of me away? Lord, how could You? Lord, i used to tell myself that sometimes I wouldn't understand what You do and why You do it, and that if I just accepted that, I could be happy. But not when it comes to this, Lord. If You are taking him from me Lord, HIM! (but notice the if, lord; I still have faith in You), I shall never understand and with that realization I can never be happy again. But I choose to believe, Lord. I believe that this time, like so many times before, You will come through for me, Lord. I'm hoping that You will make a way, that You will give me my happiness back, that You will bring him back to me, Lord, because I need him. I used to think that I told him I loved him too often, because sometimes he didn't say it back. But now I realize that I didn't say it enough, because I want to tell it to him so bad right now, lord, and I can't. I got weak. I had to talk to him if I could, so I called him. If he didn't answer I could cry; if he did I could curse him out for not talking to me sooner. He didn't answer, but someone did. She said he wasn't there, but she didn't sound sad, so I figured he wasn't dead. There sparked my faith in You again, Lord. Then I remembered what time it was and figured he was still in school, forgetting for a moment that's where I was myself. I roamed through half the morning in a trance because my heart was in shock and i couldn't believe he was no longer with me. By noon, when I called, my spirits had lifted because the thought that he was alove made my heart swell with a wish I hadn't allowed myself before. It sank a little as i let what I heard wash over me. He was probably at school and his cell phone was at home when it's usually at school with him. I wondered why. Why did she have his phone? What had happened between them? Had he forgotten it? Had she taken it? Would he be home later? Should I call back? As my thoughts soared endlessly my heart gave it the one consilation prize I had been looking for all along: he was (probably) alive, and that was all that mattered for the moment.

~Korita

[Kaoru Hanabishi]

Good job on writting the storant biki. Though I hope is not part of what you're facing at the moment, considering your storant includes a mixture of pain, sadness, love, and quite a fair amount of doubts...

I don't like the word goodbye, because someone once said it was permanent. I don't want a permanent goodbye from him.

yea, I don't like goodbye or bye either. Is not an big issue I guess since we all think of different words with variations of meaning, but me and my friend always use see you instead. Is just something I'm used to saying now, unless is someone I just met or stranger then yea sometimes I still use good bye.

[Biki]

Good job on writting the storant biki. Though I hope is not part of what you're facing at the moment, considering your storant includes a mixture of pain, sadness, love, and quite a fair amount of doubts...

it's everything i'm facing at the moment actually. :/ shame isn't it? somehow i manage though. acting like i'm okay really gets me through the day. :p ^-^ i haven't cried yet though. >.> i think i'm in too much shock to even muster a tear. :/ but i'll be fine. i don't think he's dead. if he was, i'd bring him back to life just to kill him myself for daring to die on me. but yeah i'll be okay. >.>